All Good Things Must Come To An End

Sooner or later the Keller Rohrback Masters Squad is going to lose again. Now now, don't cry it's ok. It happens! The real questions is when, where, how and by whom.

So which team do you think will deny us our God-given right to victory? At what race (hint, it ain't gonna be a Stage Race cause we ain't gonna be there to beat!)? And how? In the sprint or by sneaking into the break with PruDog and pummeling him into submission all Nico/Dave Hill style? And who will be the rider who is crowned greatest NW Masters rider ever (until the next race)?

The Essence of PruDog

Attacking is the essence of suffering. And suffering is the essence of racing.

Deep thought

I should go back to writing about politics.

Tuesday Night Worlds Recap - Hurt Box Edition

The great philosopher, Nick &^%$ing Concklin once said "you gotta forget your head and grab your balls". You may ask, "PruDog, who is Nick &^%$ing Concklin and what does that even mean". Well first off, I am tired of explaining who Nick &^%$ing Concklin is and why he is perhaps the greatest American ever. You have a computer,google it for the love of God.

As for what that means? Well it means we attack on the start line (memo to the guy who asked Randy if "this is the way it's gonna be": yes, that's how it's gonna be). And then we attack again. And then again. Or maybe we'll just sit at the front and drill it cause we're just crazy enough that all we can think about is catching that hallucinatory Golden Monkey that is sitting just off the front on the field with our Gu Shots. Don't ask.

Bottom line, we're having a blast riding hard and knowing that individually we aren't the strongest riders in any given race but that we ride as a team and that we have as many cards to play as we have riders.

Keller Rohrback Road Race Info

Info on the Keller Rohrback Road Race, July 24th 2011, begins.. NOW. Here is your first look at the 11 mile loop.

We are going with summer kermesse distances since those seem to be most popular. We're also talking to Anderson about making this a series race along with Olympia and Glenwood.

We also changed the name from Eatonville to Keller Rohrback because we want everyone to know that Jamie is involved in the race and Jamie is the essence of racing right now.

Deep Thought

Do all the guys complaining about racing in the rain know they live in Washington State?

Unicorns are Suck

Editors Notes: The following response to the recent column, Unicorns are Awesome, was submitted by an enraged Stanglsheen after his victory at Independence Valley.

Unicorns are Suck by James Stanglsheen

Recently, a team-mate of mine wrote some crap about Unicorns being awesome. I initially thought the article was about Unicron. I was very excited to read about the world destroyer who, along with Galactus and myself, make up the trinity of destructive power that dominates the universe. Instead I was subjected to many words about one of the saddest most pathetic creatures known to young girls. Unicorns. This "team-mate" has been slacking all year. While I was putting in 27 hours of interval work every day followed by rowing and some yoga (shut up!) he was at home enjoying is warm house and kind wife. In an attempt to motivate his sorry ass I warned my team-mate that I was coming for him. Apparently his response is to go on some lame-ass quest for Unicorns.

I've had enough and will vent my violent hatred on every race he is in. That is all.

We own the March

Obviously Keller Rohrback is the greatest team ever and each of our riders is the greatest local rider ever. That's just a given. But who was the best rider and team that wasn't KR in March?


For Masters A/3x+ here's my pics:

Riders: This one is hard. Sean, Andrew and Chandler all deserve credit for winning some great races. But none of them road enough in the Master A/3X+ field to really qualify as the best for the field. Dave Hill's form and multiple 2nds was impressive but his crash at Sequim stopped him running away with this award with one more solid ride but I think he still did enough to earn it and no one else was consistent enough to take it from him.

Team: This one is easier. Garage for the win. I know I know - what about Audi? So far there's been three teams racing- KR, Garage and Audi. Since thus the the best team that's not KR that makes it a two horse race. Both teams rode well in March but the nod goes to Garage for being aggresive and having more threats (at least in March).

Feel free to complain in comments.

Swagga. You need it.

Listen. When I said the KR Masters Team wasn't going to be using our Swagger at IVRR and you could borrow it, I wasn't talking to Stanglsheen. What the hell people! First off, he doesn't race masters and has enough Swagger already. Second, he's a rough bastard who is going to drop it off on my front porch all dirty and broken down. And that just isn't right.

So this kind of crap doesn't happen again I would like each of you to look into getting a Swagger coach. They aren't that expensive but if you guys can't step up we'll have to keep our Swagger to ourselves.

Swagger Coach w/ Taavon from Aziz Ansari

What you know about redistricting is wrong

At the risk of alienating 40% of my readership (AKA Ian & Jamie) it's worth noting that, while I appreciate and support the goal of increasing minority influence in politics, creating "monolithic" districts like this have, historically, had the opposite long term effect as Nate Silver has demonstrated in his excellent statistical analysis I am to lazy to go find and link to here.

Basically, the influence of minority groups and enactment of policies that reflect that influence has historically been maximized in balanced districts. The reason is likely that putting a district in play the political parties generally need to appeal to a larger constituency with more diverse interests as well as forcing interest groups to make their case to a larger community than they otherwise would.

First aside: this is also an example of the sloppiness of activists that bug me. I get that creating blocs is intuitive, but it also is empirically counterproductive. If you claim to be an activist (or a business analyst, etc) and also claim to specialize in a specific area I think it's reasonable to expect you to actually do some research.

Second aside: I agree with the point in the article that while minorities vote en masse for Democrats this is not the same thing as having the same interests across the board and treating them as a single monolithic bloc is also counter-productive.

I sure hope it was the original

Ryan Gist has revealed an alternate approach to achieving Swagger: humming the Battlestar Galactica theme while riding the break.

When not drafting briefs this winter, Gist could be found on the trainer, feeding his steady habit of "Battlestar Galactica" so much so that the theme song was all that kept running through his head during the break

I really hope this is the original because I would get confused by the whole "previously on Battlestar Galactica" sequence in the reimagined version.

Swagger. You can have it.

After much internal debate involving Older Than Mick trying to guilt us into riding, KR's Masters squad is leaving you other old dudes to race Independence Valley on your own in the rain. And the uphill. The rumor, started by Older Than Mick, is that it is because we are soft and don't like hills. My lawyer advised us to take the 5th!

So we bequeath our swagger to you. Use it wisely and remember the golden rule: always return borrowed stuff in the same or better condition than you got it. And change the oil please.

Bonus edition! I will even write the post race recap for you right now -

team name had a great day at IVRR. Turn out was light but there were a couple strong guys like name here. Everyone marked us out but we were pick one - aggressive / smart / lucky and made the decisive split on lap enter lap here on the second climb of the lap. enter name attacked the break but we brought it back then we pick one: solo'd to victory / took out the sprint / paid off the break to sit up and won the biggest race of the year until Tuesday.

Don't say I never did anything for you.

Political Analysis I can believe in

Medium Lobster (h/t Atrios) sums up my feelings on the Great Libyan Freedom Tour '11.

Need Endgame

While I wasn't my well known attacking self, I did put in a few efforts. One was spiked by a rider who caught the break, sat on a turn then attacked us. This all on the first lap. At the time I thought "wow, that's not very smart" but I didn't really put too much into it cause something like that always happens on the first break. But looking through the pictures of PR the other night and having the context of the race in mind I can't help but notice that the very same rider a) appears to have done the same thing in another move and b) appears to have chased both my other two moves down.

I am not naming the rider, whom I know but not that well, and I doubt you'll be able to figure out who it is just from the pics (although it'd be interesting to know who you all assume it is!). And no it's not Andrew Martin, whom I assume you guys will pick because he is pretty active in the pictures (and in real life too!).

That said, I really wonder what the end game for a guy like that is. Maybe more to the point, I wonder how many riders at PR actually have an endgame. I get that everyone has different goals for the weekday series. And that ok! But it strikes me that this is often an excuse to just be sloppy. For a real life example: an attack goes up the road on lap one. A small group bridges across. You get across too. There is a gap to the field, but it's closing slowly. The section of the course you are on has a strong tailwind meaning it's the hardest part of the course to maintain the gap. On the otherhand, you are about to enter a section (the lollipop) that usually slows the field down and then into a headwind where the field will likely become disorganized. You also, having sat on the move that came across to the original attack, are fresh as a daisy.

What should you do? Well in this case the rider immediately attacked killing the break. Once alone he was caught before we got onto the headwind section. I don't see how this makes any real sense.

Was he riding for a result? Then I don't see how attacking the break in the first five minutes of the race made sense. Sure he felt good. Everyone feels good at the start of a race. Tactically speaking this is when the most number of people are willing to work for exactly that reason. You have to ask whether you can go solo for the rest of the race. Obviously the answer was no. He couldn't manage it for 200 more meters.

"But PruDog", says Ian Mensher, who is 20% of my readesrhip, "it's a training race!". Maybe he was just trying to get a workout! I hear you. Stil, how does getting in a break by sitting on and then attacking the break to go solo for 200 meters accomplish that?

If you think of it in terms of your endgame, rather than using "it's a training race as an excuse" it seems to me the optimal strategy here is to help the bridge (workout!), pull through at a pace the break can sustain ti maximize the gap to the field. Granted the break was unlikely to stick, but that changes nothing up to that point. The difference, to me, is that if you want a workout you attack once the break gets caught to see if you can reshuffle. If you are racing for a result you save energy and get re-absorbed near the front so you can join any dangerous moves.

A good example of this is Russy. I attacked after the second prime and he came with me. He mostly sat on as I bridged to Andy Luhn who was alone off the front then came through. He let the now 4 man break role once, decided we didn't have the horsepower to stick and stopped working. I disagree with his analysis but not his endgame based tactical decision based on that analysis.

What's my point? Well, mostly that I have too much time on my hands to blog. But also that racing smart at a training race maximizes your return over just using the training race as an excuse to do stupid stuff. And that White Dynamite needs a better post up.

Credit were it's due blogging

There's a fine line between swagger and cocky. So, just to make sure everyone knows we may bring the funny but still know we put our pant on one leg at a time too (except when we do it we make gold records!) here's a list of shout-outs to our non-KR homies!

#1 with a bullet in Dave Hill, Garage. Climbing machine and riding strong now. The guy we really worry will sneak away and stick it to us.
#2 Avi Mahan, the kid who pwnd us all at PR. That wasn't a slow sprint, gaps opened up and he had to come around Velez and Hainsworth. Nice win! Could he be the next Kiel Reijnan? No way! He's the new Avi Mahan!
#3 Sean Phillips for riding away from the field and going it solo for like 5000 miles at Mason Lake.
#4 The Garage and Audi for bringing teams and riding like one..or is that ones? I don't know.

Here's to some more knock down drag out racing all year.

Captain America is kinda lame

But this trailer gets pretty close to making him cool. Still expect a lot out of Thor but maybe Captain America won't be so bad after all.

Unicorns are Awesome

Posted by Fake Ian Mensher.

Hey everyone! It’s Ian Mensher here. So far this year I’ve had the perfect build up to my defense of the Thursday Night World Galaxy Universe Championships. While Stanglsheen is riding with violent hatred tinged with belief and girls or something I can sit back in the field and concentrate on whats important. Unicorns.

Listen, I know you’re thinking “What the hell is he talking about? Unicorns? What is that about?” Hey man, I hear you loud and clear. See, you’re thinking of regular Unicrons. I’m talking about those super cool Unicorns from ThunderCats that had the magic rings that could make you fly. See, last year I took my game up a notch. But, let’s be honest, there is only so much training I can do before it cuts into quality time with my hair. So I asked myself, what would Cipo do? He’d find an edge. That something extra that allows him to win and still maintain that porn-ready physique and hair at all times. Never know when that call to the big show will come!

Now I don’t live in Italy so I asked myself “Ian, how do you stay so hot while being so fast?”. The answer my friends? That’s right: Unicorns with magical rings! Imagine how surprised the field will be when they finally reel me back in, I pull out the ring and fly away. Of course my hair will be glistening in the moist spring air. That’s just a given.

So, that’s what I am thinking about friends. How to get to third earth so I can get me my Unicorn with magic flight ring. I just hope that loser Lion-O isn’t there. That guy seriously needs a haircut.

Better than attacking

Yes, it's true. PruDog plans to attack all week long. But race comes and does PruDog attack like crazed Vino? No he does not! PruDog keeps it under control. PruDog never thought he would say this but he having fun helping team-mates with crazy pulls and chasing breaks. Attacking fun and put other riders in hurt box but winning team is funner.

What has happened to PruDog? And why is PruDog writing about himself in fake Vino style?

The Swagger. We has it.

The Swagger. We has it. Keller Rohrback loves only to win. So when we see the race, we jump in it. At PR, we see two races and say "let's split squad and own them both!". And we do. First, we cover moves and make attacks in both races. Then, when the time is right we hit the front. The other riders say "you make it too hard! why you do this!". But we just go harder. Then we start the lead out. Our train is fast and does not wait. Only the Avi Mahan can stop us! So we take the 1st in Masters and the 2nd in 1/2/3. We get 4th too but only because Swagger, we has it.

All the field see our swagger and say: they are assholes we want that swagger too. But you cannot have it. Maybe we loan it two you at IVRR. But it is ours and we will take it back. Mens squads race 8 races this year and win 4 and podium 6 with 5 different riders. That is swagger. We has it.

Get your race on: Tuesday edition

Tonight is the first race of the most important race of the year until the next race: Pacific Raceways. So far this year I have been holding back my inner Voigt for the team. But not tonight; tonight I get to attack like a demented energizer bunny until I have nothing left. Then I will attack again.

SHUT UP LEGS!

That's what I am talking about

I know you think I'm being funny, but the team really is crazy.

My Guest Bloggers suck

The quality of guest blogging here really sucks. And you know who you are.

Late St. Patrick's Day Blogifying

Old as Dirt is complaining that I didn't blog about St. Patrick's Day. Brian Cole is complaining I blog too much. And Ian Mensher demands less politics and more funny blogging.

So, let me satisfy you all by doing my late Post-St. Patrick wrap-up:

1. Man-date with Tubbs to see Battle : LA
2. Learned that a good squad of Marines will kick alien invading ass every time.
3. Also that Alien Invaders like to start standing around in the open after a few days so we can shoot them easier.
4. I do not believe any Irishmen were killed during the invasion, likely because the Aliens were after our water not beer.

Sequim 2: Sorta Post Race Report

I was going to have &^%$#&( Nick Conklin write a guest editorial about our Masters A adventure yesterday but it appears that I am the only person currently racing who actually saw Black Rain. Luckily, Fake William Shatner John Sheehan is available to pick up the slack with his live report filed late last night.

By Fake John Sheehan
Published Mar 19th 2011 9:90 PM EDT

View Race Results »

Mike Hainsworth (Jamie Stangeland p/b Keller Rohrback) won round two of the Sequim Road Race on Saturday, sprinting to victory in the 109,076th edition of the Spring World Championships.

Hainsworth took the flowers in a 9-man sprint ahead of Todd Gallaher (Does Anyone Care Anymore?) and Nicos Mills (Garage). The 60 52 mile race around a bunch of fields featured 5 laps of a grueling sorta hard mostly flat 10 mile circuit. The race was aggressive from the start with the Garage and several independent riders attacking and Keller Rohrback covering immediately. Keller Rohrback switched to attack mode on the first climb of the second lap with a small move of Nicos Mills, Andy Lund (Cucina Fresca) and Robert Velez establishing the first dangerous move of the day. Audi was forced to chase with only occasional help from other riders before Todd Gallaher was able to pull the move back. Several counter attacks followed before the break went away on the course second climb with two laps to go. With each team represented the gas went off of the chase and break sailed to victory.

Now that that's outa the way, I gotta ask what it's like to get schooled by my boy? I mean, &^%$ it must have been like getting chips without beef. That would piss me off. What? Was there some sort of restraining order that said you guys couldn't be within 2 minutes of the winner. Cause from what I heard he *&^%ing gave it to you like I gave it to Sean Kelly back in the day. Don't believe me? I got a picture of it right here.

See, last week you guys took my boys out and gave them a beating like we used to give Kelly back in Ireland. And PruDog was all "the Audi and Garage guys were mean to us and didn't let us into the break". &^%$! What a whiner. So I told him what I told Kelly: "&^%$ing grab your balls, go over to them and take your &^%$ing race back". That's the advice that made Kelly the rider he was in the 90's and that's the advise that will make these boys the best team I've ever told to win.

It all starts with not being F&^%ing &^%$(*& and getting in every &^%$&(* move cause once you gotta chase your screwed. I told Cole, Pruitt and Velez to quite playing with their stupid bike computers and pedal their damn bikes. And they did! I hear it was an aggresive race and they were on everything and Velez got in a good move that set-up the final break.

And then Hainsworth.. ha. Just Ha.

That Flynn guy though. I heard he wants his own nickname. White Dynamite. I don't get it. But he's gotta sprint with his head and his legs. I told him: cover moves and then be patient in the sprint or I'll f*&^ing punch you in the face. And he won the group sprint so now you guys know how to motivate him.

I got nothing to say about Randy until he apologizes for making fun of my pinky ring. My pinky ring is awesome. Good job. I think I'll go to the bar and celebrate now. Are any good looking girls gonna be there?

Extinction Event

It seems like the UCI really likes it's brinksmanship. I say burn it to the ground and start over. I fail to see how whatever it's replaced with could be, overall, worse.

Getting our race on

After the brutal beating we took last week I felt that the Keller Rohrback Masters team needed some enthusiasm. Some motivation. Some oomph. Hooha!

I tried to get that dude that lives down but the river but he wasn't available. The best I was able to do is get Conan, The Barbarian. Anyway, here are his words of encouragement:

The Secret of Vicory by Conan, The Barbarian

All my life I've been alone. Many times I've faced death with no one to know. I would look into the huts and the tents of others in the coldest dark and I would see figures holding each other in the night. But I always passed by.

power and speed come from the legs, from the gods of the legs. Keller Rohrback is your god, and Keller Rohrback lives in the suffering. Once, Audi and the Garage lived in the suffering.. And in the darkness of chaos, they fooled Keller Rohrback, and they took from him the enigma of victory. Keller Rohrback was angered. And the Earth shook. Rain and wind will strike down these teams, and throw their bodies onto the roads. But in their rage, the Keller Rohrbacks must not forget the secret of victory and leave it on the race course. Keller Rohrback must find victory. Not Audi. Not Garage. Keller Rohrback. The secret of victory has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Keller Rohrback. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not Audi, not Garage, not the other riders.

Only Keller Rohrback can you trust.

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. That is victory and that is the Keller Rohrback destiny.

Executive Accountability

My biggest issues with the finance industry hasn't been the intrinsic evil of bankers. There is nothing wrong with bankers per se (just as lawyers are not genetically bad). Rather, it's been the outsized bonuses and compensation many of them recieved relative to the actual risk they take. And that's true of executive management across the board in large organizations. Pay should reflect the business value you bring and the risk you take. And the majority of our highest paid elites don't add value equivelent to their pay while taking on near zero risk.

Another way to put it is when a major scandal breaks and an executive claims that there's no way they could have known what they are really saying is "Even though I took this job at an exhorbitant compensation I never thought you'd actually expect me to deliver on that investment".

That's why I appluad the FDIC's decision to hold WAMU's execs to account. The bottom line is that each of these execs accepted multi-million dollar compensation packages in exchange for managing the company. My point is that they either intentionally mismanaged the company or lied about their ability to manage the company. Either way, they took the risk and it's good that it's coming due.

Guest Editorial - Doping in Cycling by Nick Conklin, Dirty Cop

My name is f&^%ing Nick Conklin and I am here to give you the straight ^%$# on doping in cycling. Listen, it's not hard. Racing your bike is a lot of work and any edge counts. They are all looking for that extra push to get over the hump. It's not like you've ever had a better idea on how to make a name for yourself. I mean, if ONE of you anti-dope guys had an original idea, you'd be so tight that you couldn't even pull it out of your ass! If your gonna pull it, you'd better use it. And you guys who don't know what to think... sometimes you gotta choose aside. Sometimes you gotta go for it. I mean come on. We got kids to put through school and you gotta do certaint things. Like these other cops I used to work with in the department took some money from some drug dealers. No big deal. You might say the stole the money. I say they liberated it. It's a grey area man. Sometimes you gotta liberate a bike race and get your hands dirty to do it. Now maybe you don't have what it takes to evade Internal Affairs.. I mean WADA your whole career. But like I aways say, "Sometimes you should forget your head and grab your balls".

Continuity Porn!

As one of only two people in America (Roger Ebert being the other) who actually liked the 2003 Ben Affleck starring Daredevil movie I am glad to hear that they aren't doing a reboot. Now if only we can get Zack Snyder to stay in the current story but have Superman go bad we'd be in business.

Transit & Tunnel hatred

In general I don't get the hatred directed to either a replacement tunnel or transit initiatives. The same people who complain that we can't afford to build it intentional try to drive up costs by filing lawsuits, tyring to get referedums on the ballot, etc in an effort to delay construction (we still have to pay for staff and operational costs during the delays, we just don't get workable solutions in the interum). They also, self-servingly, complain about a lack of leadership when they invest so much time in throwing up roadblocks.

Ask a new Cat 2 Cyclist

PruPuppy 2.0 is sick so I don't have time to feed your hunger for the funny today. Luckily Karl "Hungus" Cunningham has agreed to answer questions from the mailbag.

Dear Karl,

Congrats on moving up to Cat 2 last year. I know that your first fill 1/2 season will be awesome. Anyway, as a new Cat 2 myself I was wondering if you could give me some nutritional advise? I used to read this blog back when it was good, you know, before PDog went all 9/11 Truther on us and starting pontificating on politics. Anyway I thought he was serious about eating pie all the time and now I am fat and slow.

-R. Dude

RDude! Thanks for writing in. I am so excited to be part of the team now and helping PruDog by answering questions. Can I get you a water bottle? Anything? I have an inside track on seatposts if you need a deal. Anything man! I am just so jazzed to be in the show that I can't contain myself.

Hungus,

I hate you guys. Racing here used to be fun until you all decided to show up at Seward and just be complete assholes by attacking the crap out of it from the gun and then marking me out. Lame. I mean, I know it's bike racing and I used to do that back in my hey day when I was the big boy. But come one.

-MTB are Cooler, Seattle

Hey MTB R Cooler,

Yah, man it is so cool the way my team just goes and goes. I remember thinking: I've graduated from High School to College when I joined the green machine. And then Ronnie said "Hey, this isn't freshman English.. this is your senior thesis! Get going or I'll eat out your heart and feed it to my cat". Wow, that was like, just incredibly motivational and I thought "I am so excited to be on this team".

Karl,

What the hell is up with the white sleeves, tights and no booties? So Cat 4 man. Sad.

PruDawg

Hey PryDawg! Good, I am just so excited to be on the team that I forgot to bring all my kit. I mean, it's just so great to be racing with you guys and I really really love the team.


.. Ok! I think I just puked in my mouth a little there. Thank, I guess, to Karl for covering for me with those.. well answers. Keep the questions coming folks! I am sure we'll get plenty of exciting guests to answer your racing queries.

Notes of the Free Market

I will risk annoying Stangeland and detour from my recent funny blogging to make one of my know-it-all econ posts.

For the record, I think capitalism works pretty well and that the free market usually does a good job. The sad reality is that most people (and by this I mean Republican officials, Ayn Rand worshippers and Tea Partiers) who run around talking about how great the market don't actually understand the Free Market or really mean "a system that allows me to direct money to my friends".

So, as a public service, I would like to point out that the current situation in Japan, in which a publically traded company ran a nuclear reactor in a high risk location, did not have a back-up system that could prevent a melt down after a major disaster is a predictable free market outcome.

After all, large companies are not people (contra Citizens United) and function as a collection of specialized individuals who contribute in compartmentalized roles that mitigate any actual moral evaluation of actions. Decisions are then made based on the silo'd business analysis* that aggregates up into action.

In this case, a cost / benefit analysis of investment in infrastructure to prevent a meltdown in a extreme and inevitable disaster such as a Tsunami is going to find that, if a disaster occurs of such a magnitude that it disables the initial back-up systems then regardless of whether additional back-ups exist and a meltdown is prevented then there is likely to be a considerable demand to shut the reactor down. This will lead to lost profit which is, for a corporation, a very bad thing. So the optimal decision is to forgo additional back-up systems.

I am not clear why so many people fail to grasp this. Well, actually I do. It's that most Republican Leaders, Randians and Tea Partiers do grasp this. They just don't care unless it impacts them directly... services for me and but not for thee.

*now, many companies don't really do very good business analysis. but the point is, when you start hearing about mismanagement.. well this isn't mismanagement. that's the point. it was a sensible business decision. it just wasn't the right decision.

I want my lunch money back

Case Number: VT 03/12/11/SR01

Incident: Bicycle Race Theft

Reporting Officer: Constable Michael Pruitt Date of Report: 12 March 2011

At about 1700 hours on 12th March 2011, I met with the Keller Rohrback Masters Cycling on the Kingston Ferry regarding a bicycle race theft. Members of the team said they parked the race in Sequim around 1500 hours to daydream about victory and how they where going to school the Garage and Audi team. They said that when they returned to the race at about 1501 hours, they discovered it was over as a Mr. David Hill and a Mr. Chandler Leach had "gone up the road".

They described the race as mostly flat and windy, with the Audi team marking Keller Rohrback previously in the race and the Garage being very aggressive. They also noted that Masters Races have a tendency to shut down once a break establishes and as a result they knew they were "gonna get clowned now".

The team told me that it will take a while for them to get over their whinny ass complaining but now that they "know how it's gonna be" their going to "nut up" and show those other boys how Keller Rohrback rolls. One rider mentioned this involves begging something called a "Velez" to ride with them next week. Apparently it is similar to a wild, uncontrolled pit-bull and the team is confident it will result in "a brutal beat down".

I conducted a survey of the crime scene but found the crushed ego of Mr. PruDog and quite a bit of something called "legs" left on the course by Mr. Hainsworth. This was everywhere and appears to have been dropped throughout the race.

I obtained a sworn statement from the team and provided them with the case number and Information Leaflet 99/07 ("What to do when your race is stolen"). I entered the race into the station database as a stolen bicycle race.

Overheated panic blogging

I don't know who's gonna win today, but I know that three races into the season there are several teams that have not yet notched a win. ZOMG the pressure must be intense for if you don't win a bunch of races that no one remembers in June, like, right now, your whole season is a failure and all those high priced contracts brand new handlebar wraps they got for $10 will be wasted! Besides, there two podium girls are roaming Seattle looking for a real winner to kiss. And if you don't make that move now Karl Hungus will.

Keller Rohrback is gonna smack you up

Are you racing tomorrow? Why not? Racing is awesome and the Cupcake Royale logos on our jerseys taste delicious! KR will be racing and looking to lay the hurt down on you me. Just in case you haven't figured out our strategy yet we're gonna attack. And if that doesn't work, we're gonna attack some more. Now, you may be asking "PruDog, which race are you doing?". It doesn't matter man! KR does the same thing in every race we do. The important thing to know is that it's gonna happen and it's you moral responsibility to show up and join the fun. If you miss the break one of us will happily play some air guitar for you.

Deep Thought

I miss Anton's race blogging. Nothing beat his ability to unintentionally insult everyone and earnest attempts to aplogize while managing to insult them some more.

Meet the Overlord: Jamie Strangepounder Edition

I was lucky enough to have the chance to interview Mason Lake #1 Pro/1/2 winner and Winter Commute Champion Jamie Stangeland recently. Enjoy.

Jamie, it's great to chat with you. Thank you for taking the time to sit down and chat with me.

F&^k you man. I told you to leave me alone. I don't know how you got the chain on my ankle but once I get it off you will know fear, fear in the face of certain death.

Ha! Snip Snap! You are quit the joker. Do you tell jokes during the race to lighten things up?

The only joke is how I did all the work in the break and still played those fools.

Wow. That's some strong words. Aren't you concerned that playing your cards so early will just put a big target on your back all year?

I'm the baddest man in the world.

You don't look so bad to me.

What did you say, Paper Champion? I'll beat you like a dog, a dog, you fool!

Listen, Jamie, I am concerned about your lack of respect for the history of Northwest Racing. I mean back when I was winning races left and right won SIR as a Cat 4 we knew that you show respect for the other teams. I remember this one time back in 1996.. or was it 1999. Anyway, it was that year I was ranked 2nd overall in the Cat 1/2's after the first time trial and managed to stay ranked second for, like a whole week, until I realized I'd been smoking peyote all week and it was all in my head. Anyway.

What does this have to do with me?

Well, I was trying to tell a story...

Can I just go get some lunch and maybe take a shower and then maybe you can let me know when you're done?

Well I...

Give me that microphone fatty: I want Mensher! I want Mensher! You hear that, Old Man? You tell Mensher to come here! Nobody can beat me! You tell them all what I said! And Mensher's NEXT! I'm gonna kill them! Nobody can stop me! You tell Mensher that! I'M COMING AFTER HIM! YOU TELL HIM!

Uh.. I think he's on your team...

I'm gonna torture him. I'm gonna crucify him. Real bad.

OK, well thanks for the time.

Nice ass, by the way.

Me Too

In case you don't pay attention to New York news bike lanes have become a hot topic among the crop of mayoral candidates, including supposed good guy Rep. Anthony Weiner. Apparently being anti-cyclist and capping on bike lanes is a good way to establish your candidacy.

Anyway, Duncan Black (AKA Atrios and an actual economist to boot!) makes some a couple good points, both of which sum up my reaction to the anti-bike idiots.

1. Cyclists improve your commute
2. Unlimited roads and free parking are not Free Market outcomes.

Of course, neither of these arguments hold much weight with the people who hate cyclists because there anger isn't really about cycling. It's about them wanting to get special benefits (free parking, no traffic jams) without paying for them and projecting their anger onto others. They hate other drivers too, it's just harder for them to find a easy way to identify everyone else as "other".

Baby, I Amazed!

Thanks to Dave Douglas, whom I tweaked in the previous post, for getting my result changed. I take back 65.34% of the things I said about him! He can choose which 65.34%.

Now the question is how am I going to get myself out to the Gran Fondo Ephrata so I can open a can of pain and pour it all over myself again? This time with dirt! No one want to join me? Anyone? Don't make me beg.

Live blogging Mason Lake

1:15 Here I am at the start of Mason #1. I decided to live blog this year so that all my team mates could follow the race. Is race blog reading the same as training?

1:20 Cole looks tired already. I am going to attack now and see if I can drop him. If he asks I'll tell him I was just warming up!

1:21 Well, looks like Cole is still here. Hey, were the hell is that Starbucks guy going???????

1:23 My top tube sure is pretty. I like how the pearl white shines in the Mason sun.

1:25 I better do something... I think the last time check was like 5 minutes to the SBUX guy. There's no way he can solo the whole race is there?

1:30 Why is Michelle riding stronger than me? Maybe I should just accept that I suck and... no wait.... that's my legs ... shut up legs!!!!!!!!!! MDYUWT%ER

1:35 I almost got across. If by almost I mean I was nowhere close to bridging that gap. Which I think is now at 10 minutes. There goes Cole. Woot Woot.

1:40 There goes Flynn. Or did he think there was a prime?

2:00 I think I'll ask the Starbucks guys to quit getting into the chase. That will take my mind off how lame the chase is. Gap up to 30 minutes.

2:02 Mental note: maybe I shouldn't use the phrase "deuche bag" "asshole" or "idiot" when talking to guys who've only been racing a year or so.

2:10 I think the Starbucks guy just lapped us.

2:20 Michelle at the front. I'll just pull through and then let Flynn go with Hill. Hill looks strong.

2:23 What the F&^%$ I can't see the field anymore and now Dave Hill is with me and he wants to go hard. I told Flynn to cover the moves. Just now. In my head. Cause this hurts already and we have like 45 miles left. No worries, we'll get caught.

2:50 I think David is trying to make me cry. It's working!!!!! You can stop now.

3:20 Where the helll is the field? I keep trying to slow down but David just pushes me. It was really sad when he got off his bike at the mini mart got some cookies, changed his socks and then came back up to me with only one foot clipped in. He said he was working on his pedal stroke.

3:30 OMG. He finally dropped me. Thank god. Now I can stop. Why are there unicorns on the side of the rode? Must stop and talk to the... no wait! That's my stupid legs again! Shut up legs!

3:35 Kid on the side of the road looks scared of me. Maybe I shouldn't mumble to myself?

3:36 The entire 1/2 team just came by and slapped my ass. Flattered. Maybe a little curious. But I just don't swing that way. Excelpt maybe for Jamie. Am I serious? Maybe. You'll never know.

3:40 Why have I lost feeling in my legs? Is that good?

3:41 Feelings back! Happier when it was gone.

3:50 I am so going to get caught on the line aren't I? Why do you hate me?

4:00 I made it? And Michelle won the field sprint! That's awesome! Should I make sure they know I am in the Masters and just got m*^%$#cking 3rd? Nah. Everyone was cheering me on and Douglas congratulated me at the line. Sure he's screwed up every single result I've ever gotten in his races but this one's a cake walk.


8:20 WTF????? 55th? In the 1/2's? I wasn't in the 1/2's? Oh well. I know the truth. And the truth will.... F&%$# cramp!

All get our tablets on

I started out as a tablet skeptic but have completely changed my tune. I firmly believe that the tablet will be a game changer. Or, more accurately, the pairing of the tablet and cloud-type applications and services are going to finally take the thin/thick client paradigm and make it usable.

If you are thinking of getting a tablet let me suggest doing it. Right now. But, keep in mind it won't replace your PC or Mac. Rather, the optimal use is to load minimal apps and data onto the tablet. Rather, set-up a home network and use the tablet as a device to connect to your network. Read books. Watch TV.

I've been using a table for work (accessing our docs and email over the web) and it's working really well. It's not perfect. But the trade-offs are worth it. It'smore portable than a laptop and doesn't have that barrier between myself and clients known as the monitor.

Which tablet to get? My advice is the iPad or the ExoPC Slate. So far the other tablets just look like scaled up PDAs and you do need a decent screen to use it. I wouldn't worry about who's going to win the tablet war. That's a few years away by which time your current tablet will be a paperweight anyway. And since your using it as a terminal it's not like you have to transfer that much data from one platform to another.