Sequim 2: Sorta Post Race Report

I was going to have &^%$#&( Nick Conklin write a guest editorial about our Masters A adventure yesterday but it appears that I am the only person currently racing who actually saw Black Rain. Luckily, Fake William Shatner John Sheehan is available to pick up the slack with his live report filed late last night.

By Fake John Sheehan
Published Mar 19th 2011 9:90 PM EDT

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Mike Hainsworth (Jamie Stangeland p/b Keller Rohrback) won round two of the Sequim Road Race on Saturday, sprinting to victory in the 109,076th edition of the Spring World Championships.

Hainsworth took the flowers in a 9-man sprint ahead of Todd Gallaher (Does Anyone Care Anymore?) and Nicos Mills (Garage). The 60 52 mile race around a bunch of fields featured 5 laps of a grueling sorta hard mostly flat 10 mile circuit. The race was aggressive from the start with the Garage and several independent riders attacking and Keller Rohrback covering immediately. Keller Rohrback switched to attack mode on the first climb of the second lap with a small move of Nicos Mills, Andy Lund (Cucina Fresca) and Robert Velez establishing the first dangerous move of the day. Audi was forced to chase with only occasional help from other riders before Todd Gallaher was able to pull the move back. Several counter attacks followed before the break went away on the course second climb with two laps to go. With each team represented the gas went off of the chase and break sailed to victory.

Now that that's outa the way, I gotta ask what it's like to get schooled by my boy? I mean, &^%$ it must have been like getting chips without beef. That would piss me off. What? Was there some sort of restraining order that said you guys couldn't be within 2 minutes of the winner. Cause from what I heard he *&^%ing gave it to you like I gave it to Sean Kelly back in the day. Don't believe me? I got a picture of it right here.

See, last week you guys took my boys out and gave them a beating like we used to give Kelly back in Ireland. And PruDog was all "the Audi and Garage guys were mean to us and didn't let us into the break". &^%$! What a whiner. So I told him what I told Kelly: "&^%$ing grab your balls, go over to them and take your &^%$ing race back". That's the advice that made Kelly the rider he was in the 90's and that's the advise that will make these boys the best team I've ever told to win.

It all starts with not being F&^%ing &^%$(*& and getting in every &^%$&(* move cause once you gotta chase your screwed. I told Cole, Pruitt and Velez to quite playing with their stupid bike computers and pedal their damn bikes. And they did! I hear it was an aggresive race and they were on everything and Velez got in a good move that set-up the final break.

And then Hainsworth.. ha. Just Ha.

That Flynn guy though. I heard he wants his own nickname. White Dynamite. I don't get it. But he's gotta sprint with his head and his legs. I told him: cover moves and then be patient in the sprint or I'll f*&^ing punch you in the face. And he won the group sprint so now you guys know how to motivate him.

I got nothing to say about Randy until he apologizes for making fun of my pinky ring. My pinky ring is awesome. Good job. I think I'll go to the bar and celebrate now. Are any good looking girls gonna be there?