Friday, April 29, 2011

I Have Won The 98105

I was honestly just minding my own business surfing USACycling to check the status of my three races when I see that neat little ranking. Once again I am #1 in the 98105, a zip code that includes Ronnie Schmeer. Suck it Ronnie.

I won't ask how I can possibly be the 13th ranked Cat 2 in WA State when I haven't done a Cat 1/2 race all year but... well I am so all you others can suck my awesome sauce.

Why Panthers Can't Have Nice Things

I see Ian & his Mane of Awesomeness is flipping me crap about the Masters side of the KR house pushing to limit less often than the Epic Win of the 1/2 team. I would respond but I remember what happened the last time Ian & I sat down to chat.

As you can see it didn't end well for me.

Open Letter to the PR 1/2/3 Field

On my ride into work I made up received an open letter to the riders at the Pacific Raceways Tuesday Night World Championships. Here, in it's unedited entirety, is the letter.

It's on like Donkey Kong by Fake Robert Velez

When I joined Keller Rohrback it was because I wanted to finally ride for a team. I wanted a place where I could maximize my potential and selflessly help my team-mates win. I didn't ask for much in return other than the feeling of riding on a team.

Well, apparently no one else got the memo about that because I keep reading all these awesome stories about how Old Town Sucks Keller Rohrback is Epic Win yet whenever I check the start list at Pacific Raceways 1/2/3 there is only one KR rider there: Robert Velez.

I'm not a talker like PruDog (and please, please OMG Ian don't get him started on that stupid Mission Statement) but I've had enough.


Yah, that's right. Screw all of you. Screw my team. Screw PruDog. Screw Russell. Screw BikeSale. It's on like m&^%$#@%^*g Donkey Kong. I am bringing it every night. You want to lap us PruJackAss? Well we're I'm going to lap you. Twice.

So Suck. On. That.

Hey, at least I didn't say my team was dumb.

XXOO Fake Robert Velez

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Fire in the hole

First, let me say that sending Hard Candy to Old Town is a way better traffic driver than being funny. But, you know, it's not fair if they get it all. So I want to just point out that Andrew Martin ( said his team is Dumb:

It's pretty common for us to race "dumb" on Tuesdays since winning the tuesday night world championship is not the ultimate goal. Sure we get results by racing as a team, but we've certainly cost ourselves some results by racing as friends that have each others objectives in mind.

That's an exact quote*. Let the recriminations begin.

*If, by exact quote I mean taking a couple words out of context to change the meaning.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Deep Thought

Being serious is harder work than being funny

Candy is sweet and Martin just gave you some

Who was surprised last night that Martin Criminale attacked with one to go last night and held it to win? I wasn't because that's the best move on that course and because he's done it before. A lot. In fact, I was right there and kicking myself for not going with it. I had a lot of love left to give!

Now I know you guys have become accustomed to a snarky post that both hugs and smacks you. But, well, it was just a strange night and I don't think anyone really raced that great or that bad. It was kinda of subdued, starting with our decision not to attack at the start and instead attack on the 3rd lap. This had the net effect on us of getting cold and making it harder to attack later. So the good news is we are back to unrelenting aggression next week. The race is just too damn short.

Hard Candy
Rumor has it that, thanks to my previous accurate assessment ass-holish comments about Old Town's race tactics I should continue the practice of handing out hard candy to them. Sadly, they have managed to up their game just enough to avoid any Fail Whale awards, but aren't quite on it enough to really get credited for being good. So here are my, slightly longish comments that are neither funny but are serious and accurate. You can take them or leave them.

Our Team
First, the mission statement of the Keller Rohrback masters team is to improve the overall quality of Masters Races. As I've repeatedly mentioned we intentionally brought on guys who know how to ride first. We did not pursue riders if we felt their teams were good and that rider would weaken the team. The team is designed so that it takes a team to beat us (or a rider who knows how to ride off other teams) but we are beatable. Second, our primary goal for the season are the Cascadia Crits. Ultimately everything else is training race and we are willing to take risks and fail if it makes us stronger. Third, we want to set the tone for each race we are in and that tone is aggression and suffering. We'd rather lose a hard race than win an easy one. Finally, bicycle racing is hard and the Masters riders all have lives. I know that several riders have started accusing us of sandbagging (and I don't mean the Jamie/Ian controversy) but that's an excuse. I average 5 hours a week of training including racing. The difference is that we are organized, coordinate the races we show up to, ride smart and are selfless.

So that's the background. My comments are made with the hope that perhaps, just perhaps, it will positively impact the way guys ride. I doubt it and ultimatily we aren't going to lose any sleep over it. We're busy winning races.

The critique
Old Town has several riders and the numbers to be a factor in Master A races such as PR. However, it also has a couple issues that prevent it from being good.

The first and formost there are a lot of alpha males who are too busy competing with each other rather than trying to win the bike race. This leads to team riders chasing each other down. I must point out that OTB does this repeatedly and often. My suspicion is that because of the Alpha-qualities, these rider's egos won't let them take the risk of trying to win and failing. They'd rather target riders they know and beat them because it's achievable.

Further, the team as a whole does not take advice very well. In many of the conversations I've had with riders one-on-one I've gotten a lot of "that's not how racing works" or "what do you know".

Which leads into my other critique: the riders on the team are so focused on the guys they know on the team they really have no f*&^ing idea who the other riders in the race are. This means that the stronger OTB riders are constantly out of position, missing moves and not considering that maybe, just maybe, the guy giving them advise may know what he's taking about.

Here's some examples:
1. Did you know I was going to attack with three to go? You should have. I've done it every single time down the escape route the last two years.
2. Did you know Martin was going to attack with two to go? You should have. It's a great move and he's done this pretty consistently over the years too. And he's won doing it more than once.
3. Did you know that, had the group been together, there would have been an attack the last time up? There would have been.
4. Pushing into line ahead of the aggresive riders. I've seen the stronger OTB guys do this repeatedly: basically when our train is setting up or when we are going up a hill the riders start trying to move up and often push in front of us. Pro-tip: You want to be behind us. In the leadout train you want to draft behind our sprinter. On the hill you want to go with our attack,
5. Chasing all the time: I'll give OTB credit for chasing well. But how many times has an OTB rider actually been in a break? Why wasn't anyone there when I attacked last night? Or when Martin attacked? We just flat out missed Martin when he attacked. But we knew it needed covering.

Here are a few tactical suggestions. Feel free to ignore them. After all, I just, you know, raced NRC for a year, DS'd NRC two years, ran a team that racked up something like 15 National Championships and helped three riders go pro. So obviously I am not the best source of advice. But you know, I try.

If you really need to prove your dick is bigger than the other guys on your team, try seeing who can attack the most. It'll get you in the breaks more and it'll make you faster.

Pay attention to who the good riders are. You know, observe how they ride and learn.

Ride with a goal, even if the goal isn't to win the race. Then commit to the goal.

Don't let a couple riders who go rogue disrupt the race, but the strong riders have to lead.

If, after all that, OTB wants to ride the race against each other rather than race the race then don't get upset when others point it out.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

PR Pre Race ReCap

I haven't had much to blog about lately so I thought I'd fill that sad sad void in your life by posting my recap of tonight's race before it happens: race was fast, this team rocked, that team sucked and I woulda won if not for those meddling kids.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Drill Baby Drill

Ronde Ohop is only four months away (but the Omloop Ohop is May 8th!). That means I am done going easy in races and will be stepping up my game by attacking more.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Running of the Omloop Ohop

Back in the day we used to run an unsanctioned gentleman's race on the Ohop Course. One field, no officials, no entry fee and rules of the road apply.

Since the all-road 11.5m circuit is the Keller Rohrback course, you'll get to preview the Keller Rohrback Road Race as an added bonus.


- Sunday May 8th at 1pm.

- Meet at the Mashel-Nisqually Park field near Eatonville (see the Ronde Ohop flier for directions). Roll out en masse at 1pm.

- On lap of the road circuit, then 7 laps of the Mashel Loop.

- Beer for the winner.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

2011 Ronde Ohop is on like Donkey Kong

if, of course, Donkey Kong was a game about crazed cyclists who hate themselves. Learn more at the Ronde website. The course info may not be update yet but the short is one or two laps of the 11.5 mile paved road circuit (the same as the KR Road Race)then 10 laps of the Mashel Loop with the new "PruDog Forest" sector added for an extra .25 miles of pain.

Who will be the 2011 Beast of Ohop?

Dirt Action I Can Believe In

Still sick and my back still hurts. It can't be that I am old can it? Looks like massage is in my future. Meanwhile you'll be happy to know that the 2011 Ronde Ohop has been submitted to WSDOT for approval. Bumping the road circuit to 11.5 miles and running it clockwise then adding .25 miles of dirt to the Mashel Loop sector. It'll be epic!

The road circuit is the same as the Keller Rohrback Road Race so you'll get a good preview of that before you jump into epic PruDog style racing.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Yes, I'm back! Lucky you. Nothing really to blog about racing wise, but Karl wants to go to SakuraCon to check out the cosplayers (there's your NSFW link Martin!) but I suspect he's just gonna end up passed out in Kent with a bunch of Furries.

Also, too, last week I fell off at Seward in an effort to show Jamie where the slippery bits are. Jamie, being an asshole, wasn't paying attention. Well I guess he knows where it is now!

Friday, April 15, 2011

They Always Loved Me In Seabrook

In a desperate attempt to prove how much you need this blog to make sense of that crazy world called racing I am witholding my productivity from you for the next 4 days. Or it could be because it's a PruCation! Don't worry, the team will happilly continue to drill it even if we aren't drillBlogging too.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Survey of the Week

How has this crappy blog disappointed you the most?

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

Tuesday Worlds... Should Mention...

I was so focused on catching the 1/2/3's and then gloating about it I forgot to give mad props to Dave Hecht for his win! Huzaah! Farestart has been riding well, but the fitness hasn't quite been there. Not anymore. Looks like I am back to begging Martin to slow down in the breaks.

That's Just, Like, Your Opinion Man

Since traffic to this crappy blog is, like, totally exploding some housekeeping may be in order.

1. Careful Man, There's Trash Talk in Here: If your fee-fees are easily hurt I suggest you go read a different blog. Better yet, stay of the internet. Cause I bring it real delusional, yo! Keep in mind, you're just as likely to get props as get called out so it cuts both ways, even for PruDog.

2. PruDog, you're not wrong, you're just an asshole: On the otherhand, if you are the observant type you'll notice I actually know what I'm talking about. There's a reason the teams I've built kick ass.

3. Swagger, we has it: Racing is hard so it should also be fun. We love us some winning, but we also love racing hard and racing as a team. We know what we're good at, we know that to win a race you have to beat us. That's Swagger. But we also know that if your team races smart too than you can beat us. That's by design. We want to be a positive influence on the overall quality of Master A racing. We'd rather lose a well played race than win by sheer power.

4. We respect teams: Bicycle racing is expensive and takes time. Our team, and this blog, respects riders and teams that ride with a purpose and discipline. No team executes 100% of the time, and riders make tactical mistakes. But, a lot of riders and teams talk a good game but don't even try and make excuses. The classic, of course, is the "I chased down my own rider because I paid $20 and I'm here to get a work out". Now, for each of you that read that and thought PruDog's taking a shot at me.. well you may be surprised to learn that riders have been making that comment since bike racing began. And it's always been an excuse or riders to just ride stupid. If your goal is really to get a work out, then ride at the front or get in breaks instead of waiting to chase your team mates down. This has the added benefit of protecting riders on your team who are riding to win. A good team (not a great) should be able to sit down and make a game plan for any race that maximizes the goals of the riders on the team.

Now you know what to expect. Race on.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tuesday Worlds Recap

And with the local PR news, Masters Racing with a triumphant comeback
but tonite...


Don't call it a comeback
We've been here for years
Rockin our peers and puttin 1/2/3's in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to our attacks go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin
Over the competition, We're towerin
Wreckin the race, when we drop a pace that'll make you call the officials
Don't you dare hesitate, you betta move
Don't ever compare
Us to the Gallaher that'll get you sliced and diced
Cat 1/2/3's are payin the price


We're gonna knock you out (HUUUH!!!)
Masters said knock you out (HUUUH!!!)

Don't u call this a training race
We're gonna rock this land
We're gonna take this itty bitty scene by storm
And we're just gettin warm
Just like Ronnie they called him Schmeernov
Watch me bash this course like a skull
Cuz u know who we have a beef with
Why do u whine at me, the maniac psycho
And when I pull out Mjolnir get ready cuz it might go
BLAAAAW, how ya like us now?
Our power will not allow
U to get with us, dont whine
Listen to our gear shift
I'm blastin, outlastin
Kinda like Shaft, so u could say I'm shaftin
Nuun filled my mind
And I came up with a Swagger rhyme



Drilled it when we heard you on complain (HUUUH!!!)
We just don't know
What made you forget that we was raw?
But now we got a new team
We're goin insane, startin the hurricane, releasin pain
Lettin you know that you can't gain, we maintain
Unless ya say my name
Rippin, killin
Diggin and drillin a hole
Pass the Ol' Gold


Sonic blasts are heard
When we rip and kill, at WILL
The men of the hour, towers of power, we'll devour
we're gonna tie you up and let you understand
that we're not your average old men
when we got some pain in our legs
DAAAAAM!!!!! Oooooohh!!
See the way we slaaaaay, your crew
Damage (UHH) damage (UHH) damage (UHH) damage
Destruction, terror, and mayhem
Pass me a 1/2/3 so suckas I'll slay him
Masters (What!!!) Masters (What!!!)
I'm ready (we're ready!!!)
I think I'm gonna bomb the race (get down!!)
Don't u neva, eva, pull my lever
Cuz I explode
And my attacks are easy to load
I gotta thank KR
Cuz they gave me the strength to attack
HARD!! knock you out, Masters said knock you out


That's just, like, your opinion man

Still extracting near-sentient snot globs from my nose. Feel free to discuss such topics as what it's like to be caught by the Masters Field (snap!) or which Masters rider is the whinniest.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Freedom Pots

I know you were hoping for a different kind of freedom pot but mine is a Neti Pot and it will be attached to my face all day. Makes blogging hard. Also, too, you may be surprised to learn that I can only write in fake Russian if I can also talk in fake Russian. Weird. Duvai!

Don't worry though, I'll still be at PR. I was going to have Randy attack first but.. well... guess what? I am going at the gun again. This cold needs to know who's boss and I don't care how many Masters riders need to suffer before it learns. Of course, that likely includes me. And while Old Town is busy riding against itself (oh snap!) we'll be riding to catch the 1/2/3 field. Game on!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Keller Rohrback Road Race

Updated 6/10/11. Infinite feedback loop. Flier is here:

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Volunteer Masters A Recap

No funny race report. This was the first real target race for us so I didn't really spend time coming up with a good joke for you guys. Sorry. It's also one of the few 30+ races so we had Jamie & Ian as well, which means our tactics are a little different than they will be later.. well not really the tactics but the assignments.

We went 1 (Jamie), 2 (Ian) and 4 (Mike). Jamie went solo, Ian outlasted a small chase group and then we led Mike home for the field sprint. The race was fast, but consistently so. Often there are a few hang on for dear life moments and a few how can we go so slow moments. So I guess it was a good race.

If you were at the race, you know about the epic meltdown over the age grouping of the field that required an official to intervene (well handled Trish!). I won't go into that other than to generally say that riders are constantly complaining that races don't meet their definition of fairness. There where complaints about our women and men working together at Mason #1 for example.

Listen, you race the race that the promoter offers. If you don't like the set-up, the constructive way to deal with it is to lobby the promoter to change it and lobby the WSBA to change their guidelines. For what it's worth KR's official position which we lobbied the WSBA for was 35+ Masters races. We'd be much happier that way. But we aren't going to yell and scream at guys who are under 35 because the race is 30+. Taking it out on the other riders just makes you look like a dick. And that's Stanglands niche thank you very much.

Deep Thought


Friday, April 08, 2011

Fair Warning

Based on Tuesday and Thursday, as soon as the clock hits 10 to go you probably want to get as far away from me as possible. The only possible fail whale left up my sleeve is an exploding bike.


Fail Parade Award Seward Park World Championship Edition: PruDog wins going away with his epic fail with five laps to go. Memo to City Parks: the road surface is nice and solid. You won't have to worry about replacing it for a few more year. Sorry about scratching up the paint line.

Karl is Epic Win

Karl is Epic Win. He push to limit. Every. Time. He sees Jamie and Ian in break. It is much inspirational. So when it comes together, he makes the history of the race and attacks. It is very hard in break with Karl. Karl knows that no one can make attack like Karl. Three Garage riders try to follow Karl's crazy lines in wet corner but cannot. They beg to Karl like frightened school children "Karl Karl, slow down...." But Karl say "No Gifts" and rides them off his wheels. And Herriott say to Karl, "Karl, now we beat them?" Karl look to Herriott and say "now Todd, I beat you all! " and win. Now Karl knows he is most interesting Seward Park Winner in the world (until next Thursday) and spend week enjoying the fame, fortune and women.

Editors note: Karl's version is slightly different but my version is better!

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Power Rankings : NW Old Edition

40% of my readership (Ian & Jamie) voted for the Stangleterrors to begin from the gun and go all night long. Don't blame me! Since we're all going to be sitting in the field bored as Jamie zips by us every 3 or 4 laps here's something to chew on: the 2011 Masters A Power Rankings! Unlike my Masters of the Month Awards (now with candy!) this will be iterative over the course of the season. Also, a team needs to actually have.. well teams. As usual, KR is disqualified cause it's self evident that we are Epic Awesome Sauce.

Power Ranking as of April 7,2011:

1. SCCA / SBUX - A well balanced team that does best in the "classics" with a sprint threat (Mirante), a long distance threat (Sean), a short distance threat (Jeff) and some dudes who I don't know yet but am going to pay attention to cause I'm not stupid. Used to be strong but are starting to ride smart too. Weakness: Impatience may get the better of them at times. Tend to try to overstack breaks. Actually, that's not a lot of weaknesses.

2. Garage - A team of grizzled veterans who like riding together and are impervious to PruDog's biting wit. In fact, they find me cuddly and playfull. I hate you guys! Primarily a finesse team with depth and attacking aggression but with less pure closing power than SCCA / SBUX. Their best play is to win from the break which they are more than happy to do. Not afraid to go long for the win. PruDog approves. Weakness: Lack of closing power.

3. Farestart - There's a bit of a drop-off from Garage to Farestart. That may sounds like an insult; it's not. Farestarts Masters squad has (admittedly and openly) been off-form at the start of the season. Rather than sit in a corner and whine, the have HTFU'd and ridden the hand they have been dealt: sit in, save energy and if a good move establishes suck it up and get across. Then hang on. For them it's about positioning right now. For us, it's gonna have to be about hitting them while they're down cause they won't be down for long. Weakness: Temporarily off-form, lacks numbers in the Masters.

4. Cucina Fresca - Erik Olsen has been giving it the old college try so the team gets credit for his hard work. But this team is built around crits and won't show it's hand until it warms up. The team doesn't have depth, but it knows what it's about and the guys will kill it for Gary and/or Chris. Weakness: Hates rain.

5. Audi - They have the numbers when they race. The lack of Masters races keeps these guys at #5. Weakness: Lack of commitment to Masters Racing and the capturing the honor of being mentioned (or better yet called out) on my blog. Weakness: Lack of humor or willingness to get inthe Swagger/Epic Win meta-joke.

6. Thundercats - Half cat / half human. All crazy. All the time. This team is a real wildcard. Prone to making poor decisions early, they often recover just in time to prevail. Unfortunately they inevitably go emo and spend 15 minutes discussing the situation, what lesson to take from it and how to handle it better next time. Weakness: Not an acutal team but an 80's cartoon, which really gets in the way of winning local Masters Races.

Mentions: A few other riders (I'm looking at you NWVelow/JustinTime) have ridden well so far this year, but without team support.

Not just PruDog

Next Tuesday we're gonna change it up. Randy is attacking on the line.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Oh My!

KR Cycling: A Cherry Blossom Poem

Stephanie recaped the womens race in style for your reading pleasure.

How you like us now?

Tuesday Night Worlds #3, AKA the most important race of the year until next Tuesday, was epic weather win with persistent, freezing rain that made my heart swell with glee. As promised I attacked on the line (and again, yes that's how it's gonna be all year long so get over it... better yet attack first). And yes, if you let me go I am fully prepared to ride the whole race solo. Here's where things got nuts and I smiled with real pride! I'd only been out for a few ticks of the PruPain clock when several riders bridged up and immediately started taking turns! If you don't race masters you may not appreciate how unusual that is. Usually guys bust a gut to bridge and then sit on; I am always amazed by the willingness of guys to expend energy to kill a move instead of investing that energy in trying to win. But not last night! It was Game On!

From there on out it was a KR 1-2 as Randy & I took turns attacking with Jim sitting in for the sprints. And each move saw riders scrambling to cover and work. I think I was in a move that lasted two full laps end-to-end (with a shuffle of riders in the middle).

The difference last night? SCCA / SBUX is strong but was constantly on its heels the last two weeks. But clearly they decided they'd had enough of that from us and where gonna assert some Swagger (tm) of their own. And. It. Was. Awesome. If you ask them they'll say the difference was having their sprinter, Mirante, out. I say that was just icing. The real difference was guys clearly had roles and committed to them. Last week the team wasted a ton of energy trying to cover all our options and as a result wore themselves down. This week each guys had a role from the dude who covered the first danger move and sat on (I assume those where his orders) to Jeff Reed riding out of his mind in the moves he covered to Sean being patient and saving energy for the finish. Well played sirs, well played.

PruDog Awards:

1. Most Improved - Jeff Reed. Jeff started the season with a pretty forgettable ride at Mason Lake and some stern words from the PruDog. And his and Sean's penchant for covering / attacking together both killed any move they where in and wore them both out. That changed last night (maybe it changed when he won IVRR 40+?) when the Jeff that showed up got in moves and made the PruDog buckle his seatbelt with a couple leg crushing turns that put me in the pain box! Obviously I should take credit for turning him into a true NW Hard Man! Keep that sh&^ up man!

2. Best Ride - Sean Phillips. I think Sean wants to attack. I think he really really wants to attack but isn't always sure he should. When he does (Mason #1 yo!) he's is Epic Win but he also knows someone needs to cover the sprint. This week Sean picked a plan and stuck to it. I followed him a couple times while Randy was up the road and he was always in position to cover if he had to, but he was also sheltered and in control. I know how hard it can be when you want to just unleash pain and watching the patience and reward at the end was Much Inspirational.

3. Best Couterpunch - Randy came up last night and decided that he was going to deal out some pain. Randy is sprinter, but with Jim & Mike on the team he has the freedom to get in moves and be a real pain in the ass. And he jumped in it. Nothing is better than a team mate coming up to you and saying "I got this one". I think Randy got about 10.

4. Fail Parade of the Night - OTB for putting two riders in a six man move with Randy, Farestart and SCCA/SBUX. The move had the right mix and was going away. So obviously Old Town decided to bring it back. And it's not even like the just rolled it back. They went full tilt, balls out chasing to catch the break. Out of the saddle chasing. Mark it zero dudes. Then they lined it up for the finish and blew up en masse. Listen, I appreciate the effort but wow did you guys just completely do that wrong. In case you guys actually had a game plan there let me disavow you of any delussions: no one on your team is fast enough to win the sprint. The list of guys with more power and better kicks is too long and includes our entire team, most of the SCCA/SBUX team, Dave Hecht and two or three other dudes. You all of those guys to screw up to crack the top three. Your best and only move is to get a guy in the break. Also, you cannot put more than two guys in the break or we will kill it. We are not stupid. If you get one guy up, great. If you manage a second guy awesome. The third guy, no matter how much rationalizing he does just f***ed his teammates. third, the guy in the break was your best rider. I suspect there are a couple other guys who think they are. They're not. Finally, no you won't win from the break most of the time. But you'll never win the sprint. Ever. It's your best move. Take it.

Updated: Lone Ranger Award - Eric Olsen deserves credit for being the lone (not alone! one is a lifestyle, the other an unfortunate condition) Cucina Fresca rider, sucking it up and trying his best to get in the moves with us. A great example of not having a lot of cards, but playing the best you have instead of just giving up.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

No PruBlogging tomorrow

I anticipate being really tired tomorrow so you'll have to entertain yourselves. Joking aside (is that even possible with me?) I am gonna ride hard, have fun and enjoy racing my bike. Plus I am gonna enjoy some fun time with my family!

When Stanglsheens Attack

Now that I am really old and can no longer attack I will live vicariously through Stanglsheen. Luckily for me Thursday Night Worlds starts this week and he'll be giving me plenty to live vicariously through. The only question is when his much inspirational attacks will begin.

Here's the poll results so far:

PruDog is Old

A quick break from bringing you the funny to thank all of you for an awesome ten years. I'm old today (that's 40 for those of you who didn't get the official "old now" rule book). Among other things it means that my attacks will be significantly slower, I will start wearing tube socks in bike races and demand we eat at IHOP.

It also means subjecting you to this gooey thanks for being you post. So, yah, thanks for being you.

Number one, thank to my wife for putting up with me. I know it's cliche (and she'll thank me for the same thing!) but thing bonding thing people not named Galen do with other people is hard! Let's face it, our love is like a rose and a bit thorny. The rewards are great but the work is epic. Thanks for putting in that work so we can enjoy the awesome parts too.

Second, to the cycling community: I've met a lot of awesome people, many through cycling (that includes the non-racing people too). The intertrons has helped create the illusion of friendship with people we barely know so I am always reticent to use the word "friend" to describe someone who isn't in my close circle. It always seems presumptuous that you'd be my friend just cause we sorta know each other (update: to be clear I mean presumptuous of me to think you'd want to be my friend). But on some level I feel like most of the people I know from cycling are friends, or at least people with a shared experience and bond that counts for something. I've always been impressed by the level of support and help cyclists have offered each other and on my birthday I want to thank you guys for being cooler than you may realize.

Thanks! Now get back to work.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Rain is Epic Win

Bad weather at Pacific Raceways is Epic Win. Keller Rohrback loves the hurt locker and we love to put others in the pain box. No pain, no gain. So when we see the rain and the cold we jump in it. When is best time to start attacks? We attack the drive down. Then we attack check in. Then we attack on the start. Does it hurt? Yes. It is much inspirational.

Also, is birthday tomorrow. Normally, I do not tell people but tomorrow PruDog is old. So he will bring special old-man version of the attack to the cold PR. Perhaps you will bring your attacking legs too?

Attack. Stanglsheen Haz It

Cherry Blossom went a bit sideways for the Keller Rohrback elite men when Jamie Stanglsheen reacted to the clear provocation of some dude by pimp slapping him in front of the officials.

Showing a complete lack of respect for our superior ninja moves Stanglsheen was removed from the race. Much like the Genesis machine in Star Trek II (two Star Trek refences in one day!) you set Stanglsheen to explode and then just turn it off. No! It has to blow up! That means a world of pain at Thursday Night Worlds. The only question is when will it begin?

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Guest Editorial: Stage Racing is for the Young

Stage Racing is for the Young: A guest editorial to Nikos Mills
by Leonard "Bones" McCoy

I was working in sickbay when I found out Nikos had crashed and broken his fingers at Cherry Blossom this weekend. I knew something had to be done. Damnit! I'm a doctor not a cycling coach but this is getting ridiculous. We're all getting old Nikos, but doing Stage Races is a game for the young! There's a whole team of cyclists on the Garage that are counting on you for Cascadia. You need to get out from behind the stage race desk and get command of your crit team. And you need to do it before it's too late! Nikos, I'm a doctor and I'm your friend. Get back your crit team. Get it back before you turn into part of some bike collection. Before you really do grow old.

Now, I know what you're thinking. What about the young kids? What about the other team members who need my leadership at stage races? It's not about them and you know it. It's about you wanting to race your bike. Well Nicos, your a crit rider now and we have a saying back home "you ride the horse that got you here". I mean, are you out of your mind?

Listen, I know you don't like to lose. You're the only guy to ever beat the PruDog Test. And there's no one I'd rather beam into a bike race with. I'm sure your fingers will be ok in time for Cascadia. Well Nioks, I hear Flavio is riding Masters now. Well, you're gonna need a top sprinter, not another team captain who'll argue every little tactic with you. And they probably redesigned the whole team while you where away too! I know cyclists, they love to change things!

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Deep Thought

That's why I don't do stage races anymore

Friday, April 01, 2011

Your Moment of Party

Dance on you freaks. (h/t El Diablo Blanco)

Dance on you freaks. (h/t El Diablo Blanco)

Delusional Race Reports: Not Just For PruDog Anymore

Not only is KR Masters Racing Team p/b Stanglsheen w/ special guest appearances by JOD forcing you to step up your racing game but our delusional creative approach to race reports is forcing you to step up your recap games to! And The Garage is accepting both challenges. In fact, they see our Swagger and the jump in it!

Remember, it's a marathon and not a sprint so stay focused on what's important: entertaining me by bringing the funny.